Unlovable
Dear Self,
READ ME WHEN YOU FEEL UNLOVABLE.
(P.S. unloved, unwanted, and unworthy may also apply)
Feeling unlovable is a core wound that often manifests from childhood trauma. I know it feels like you are completely worthless and internally damaged but hear me out for five minutes before you return to maladaptive coping and your sad songs playlist.
You are not alone in this horrid feeling. Many adults feel unlovable if they have experienced any of the following during childhood:
Being abandoned or neglected by a parent (yes, this includes emotional neglect)
The loss of a parent or a sibling
Having a mentally unwell or addicted parent
Sexual trauma
Physical trauma
Verbal trauma
A lack of parental affection
It is tempting to replay all the awful things that have happened to you throughout your lifetime and use them as “evidence” to support your theory of being unlovable. It is true awful things have happened to you. It is true you feel unlovable right now, but feeling unlovable does not make you unlovable. Nobody is unlovable. Your parents’ inability to love you does not make you unlovable. Your parents were not available to hear you or see you, so your needs often went unmet. You were repeatedly left alone to your own devices in your own puddle of tears. Unfortunately, years of living like this led to how you feel in this moment- damaged, alone, and unwanted. Please do these few things:
Acknowledge that your pain is valid.
Acknowledge that your parents are hurting people whose hurt bled on you. Acknowledge that they did the best they could in the moment with what they had, but it still hurt you. IT STILL HURTS YOU. We can have understanding for them and validation for our hurting child and adult self.
Accept that you did not deserve the pain you went through.
You did not deserve to be treated that way. You did not deserve bad things to happen to you. It happened and that sucks, but nobody deserves that, especially not a vulnerable child.
Reframe your thoughts.
You cannot keep calling yourself unlovable and expect to heal. Would you ever call someone else unlovable? Would you believe your kid is unlovable? Even if they made a mistake or did something awful? Of course not! Humans cannot be unlovable- we are all born worthy and deserving of love. It is our birthright.
Seek support.
When you feel unlovable, you want to hide and bury yourself in a hate-shame blanket. Don’t do this. Reach out to somebody- your therapist, your partner, a friend, a neighbor, or anyone you can find. Talk about how you are feeling or talk about nonsense. It does not matter, just get out of isolation, and turn off that sad song playlist.
Dear Self, you are not to blame
You do not need to blame yourself for the love you never received from your parents. You can accept your parents for who they were, who they are, and who they will continue to be. It no longer needs to reflect your worth. Also, you need to stop comparing your parents to other parents. That just hurts. Accept. Accept. Accept.
I know this seems crazy, but when you feel unlovable, it is okay to offer yourself some love. Think about how you would treat a friend or a child feeling this way. What would you say? What would you do? How would you touch them? How would you speak to them?
Now do that same thing to yourself. Perhaps you start with gently caressing your arm and say, “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’m here for you.” Perhaps you just sit with yourself and allow time to cry. When you are ready to get up, maybe you ask, “What do you need in this moment? Do you want to text a friend? Eat a snack? Watch a movie?”
When we start to see ourselves this way, we can begin to love ourselves. We can finally give ourselves what we were never able to get from others.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
xoxo,
Self