Letting Go of Expectations
Dear Self,
Expectations bring disappointment and resentment. It seems the more expectations we have of ourselves and others, the more dissatisfied we are. This topic generally brings controversy and quick rebuttals that sound like,
So, I’m just supposed to not care what I do or what other people do? Am I just supposed to let people treat me poorly?? And If I don’t have expectations for myself then I will just be a lazy, worthless failure!
If this is what you were thinking, this blog post is for you.
Expectations of Ourselves
Releasing expectations simply means releasing attachment to a specific outcome. We often cannot control the outcome, and thus, expectations fail. We can, however, have standards for ourselves because standards relate to the process rather than the outcome.
Expectation- I expect myself to get straights A’s.
Standard- I will study before exams, attend class, and take notes.
I can meet my standards because I can control when I study, when I attend class, and when I take notes. But just because I do that, does not mean I will get straight A’s.
Let’s let go of all the pressure to be a certain way and just embrace who we are. If you’re not a morning person, don’t put pressure on yourself to wake up at 5am to do a high-intensity workout. If you’re not interested in cooking, let’s find simple, quick alternatives without the expectation of making a gourmet meal 5x a week. If you don’t like to read books, then don’t read books. Why not try a podcast, audio book, or YouTube video? If you’re not an extravert, don’t schedule numerous social outings and group activities. It’s okay. It really is okay. We don’t have to be who we are not; we can just be who we are. We don’t have to be like everyone else or do the latest self-help trend. We don’t have to constantly be improving and changing. There is nothing wrong with growth and change, but when it starts to feel like a full-time job, it may be time to lessen the burden of expectations.
Expectations of Life
Maybe you are not holding on to expectations of yourself, but expectations of your life (or both!). I don’t know about you all, but my life has not turned out the way I imagined it would as a little kid. It hasn’t exactly “gone to plan.” That is okay. And if it’s not okay, it can be okay.
We often have these rigid expectations and plans for our lives as if we can submit a form of preferences at the sandwich shop and get exactly what we ordered.
I would like to finish college at this age, begin this career, buy a home in this neighborhood, get married and have 2 children by this age, make 6 figures at this time, have this amount of money in my savings account, maybe buy a dog, travel to every state and abroad, and then retire and go on long walks by the beach.
It’s just not how it works. We are not at the sandwich shop. Our life is not a sandwich. Our careers and relationships are not turkey and cheese. We cannot make our life to order. Unexpected changes happen. Maybe a loved one dies, maybe it’s divorce, or an illness, miscarriage, car accident, or bankruptcy. Whatever challenge it may be, it will likely mess up our life expectations, and even though we cannot control what happens, we can control how we respond to it.
Expectations of Others
We often get mad at others for not meeting our unspoken expectations. People fail us and disappoint us. They let us down, repeatedly, and we feel hurt while perpetuating unresolved conflicts. Friends, we cannot expect people to read our minds. It does not matter how obvious the situation is or how long the person has known us. We simply cannot expect another person to understand what we are feeling, needing, and wanting without explicitly making it known.
If we have an expectation of other people, we need to communicate it to them. If they are unable or unwilling to fulfill our expectations, then we can grieve that loss and move on to a different plan.
Let’s look at some expectations and standards that involve others.
Expectation- I expect my romantic partner to know when I am feeling sad and offer support.
Standard- I will communicate my emotions to my partner and ask for what I need.
Expectation- I expect people to be considerate of my feelings and do “the right thing.”
Standard- I will communicate what I think “the right thing” is.
Expectation- I expect my partner to see the sink full of dishes and wash them.
Standard- If I want my partner to do the dishes, I will ask them to do the dishes.
Expectation- I expect my parents to call me and ask about this future big event in my life.
Standard- I will ask my parents to call and check in on the day of the big life event.
Sometimes directly asking people to meet our expectations can feel unglamorous, laborious, and lame. It certainly is not as cool as the romantic comedies make it seem when the characters magically know exactly what to do and when to do it. Unfortunately, it seems these movies create an unrealistic expectation that leaves us feeling unhappy in the real world. Odds are, if we want flowers, we need to ask for flowers. Maybe that is lame, but not as lame as fighting about the flowers every month. Now that’s lame.
That’s all for now. Let’s set some of those expectations down. They are getting heavy!
xoxo,
Self