It’s Not the Trauma Olympics

Dear Self,

As a trauma therapist, I sometimes feel as though my sessions turn into the trauma Olympics. When we experience something hard or traumatic, a strange thing happens. Our minds search for ways to lessen the severity of the trauma because it cannot process the high intensity impact. This can appear in various ways; below are some I’ve heard in sessions.

            It wasn’t that bad.

He never hit me; he only hit my mom.

            It was only oral sex, so it wasn’t rape.

            Didn’t everybody’s parents fight?

            It’s not like my childhood was bad, I always had food, shelter, and clothes.

            Maybe he cheated on me, but it’s not like he hit me.

            The sexual assault only happened once, it’s not like it was ongoing.

            At least it wasn’t as bad as some people’s childhoods. I should be grateful.

There is this unconscious comparison and invalidation that happens. It is our brains’ way of helping us stay numb to the trauma so that we do not feel overwhelmed by the experience. It is truly incredible that the human body can numb, disconnect, and freeze to protect us when needed. If you have not already, you can thank your body for keeping you safe. It is a miracle.

Once we have reached safety and are no longer in a traumatic or life-threatening situation, we can let go of the comparing and invalidation. It serves a purpose for survival, but not for healing. Continuing to deny our experiences signals a lack of safety. Safety can be experienced when we acknowledge the pain and severity of our experiences, while remaining okay in the present moment. Acknowledgement sounds like this:

            That was a hard time in my life, and I got through it.

            I experienced verbal and emotional abuse from my father.

            I was raped.

            I grew up in a domestic violence home.

            My ex-partner did not treat me well. I am so thankful to be out of that relationship.

            I was assaulted.

            My physical needs were met in childhood, but not my emotional needs.

            I experienced childhood sexual abuse.

            I am a survivor.

Safety is not just the absence of danger; it is an internal peace. It is possible to feel this peace, even after some of life’s most horrific events come true. We do not have to downplay our experiences anymore. This is not a trauma contest. This is not the trauma Olympics.

            xoxo,

Self