When to Let Go

Dear Self,

How do you know when it is time to hold on and when it is time to let go? To help discern the difference, I have created something called the Control Test.

The Control Test

1.      Ask self, can I control this thing that is bothering me?

2.      If the answer is no, I can choose to either resist what is happening or accept it.

3.      If the answer is yes, I can take the necessary steps to change it.

Let’s run a few examples through the control test so we can see how this works.

1.      Traffic. Can I control traffic? No. So I can decide to accept it, jam out to some good tunes, and let it go. OR I can resist it and complain about it the entire ride, start cussing at people who cannot hear me, and call up 5 friends to annoy them about the traffic also.

2.      A friend gossiping about me. Can I control what a friend says about me? No. So I can decide to accept it, apply some self-compassion for the hurt, and remind myself of my worth. OR I can resist it and complain about the friend, gossip to others about it, and internally be bothered by the comment for days, months, or even years.

3.      Feeling anxious and depressed after watching the news. Can I control my emotions and habits? Yes, so I can put boundaries in place to preserve my overall mood- I can limit the amount of time I watch the news, which news stations I watch, or decide to eliminate all news from my routine.

4.      Yelling at a partner. Can I control what I say and do? Yes, so I can notice what triggers me to become angry and to yell at my partner. When I start to feel the anger building, I can practice pausing before the anger turns into yelling. I can give myself compassion as I try to fix this behavior so that I communicate in a way that is fulfilling to me.  

I listed some common concepts of what we can and cannot control, and while there are countless others, here are some universal themes.

What I Cannot Control:

·         Other people’s thoughts & emotions

·         Other people’s choices

·         Other people’s worlds

·         Other people’s actions & behavior

·         Other people’s opinions of me

·         Other people’s motives

·         Death

·         World events & issues

·         The past or future

·         Who likes me

What I Can Control:

·         My attitude

·         My mindset

·         My self-worth

·         How I speak to myself

·         Being honest

·         Asking for help

·         My choices

·         My habits

·         My behavior

·         Being kind

·         Respecting myself and others

·         My response to others

·         My opinion of myself

·         Who I follow or unfollow

·         My boundaries

Before I started working on my relationship with control, I thought I could control the moon and the stars. I tried to control EVERYONE and EVERYTHING, and I truly thought I could. I thought if I just acted a certain way and said all the right things, people would like me. If I looked a certain way, was the right size, and wore all the right clothes, people would like me. I thought I could problem-solve any issue that existed and single handedly create peace about interpersonal conflict.

After I started looking at the research and getting curious about control, I felt like I could not control ANYTHING. I realized I could not control anything that involved other people or events…. And that felt vulnerable and powerless. That created a screw it attitude for me. I could not control or change anything, so why even bother? I will just give up and live this powerless, victim-mindset life. Well, that was a miserable space to live in, so I did not reside there too long. I dug a little deeper.

At last, I found a balance that existed between control freak Johnna and screw it Johnna (neither of those versions of myself were too pretty- I appreciate all those who stuck by my side during those phases!) The control test helped me discover and stay in this balance. I learned that I could control myself, and nothing else. In the past, I tried to control what I could not, and gave away control that belonged to me. Now, I focus on myself and accept others for who they are. I choose to let go and to keep letting go daily. It has helped keep me out of judgment. My relationships with others have improved because I can accept them without trying to change them. While this concept is simple, it is certainly not easy (and sometimes requires sticky note reminders throughout the entire house). I encourage you to invite lots of grace, self-compassion, and patience into your life as you work on your relationship with control. Because this is hard. We are one step closer to creating the recipe for letting go.

                                                                                                                                                xoxo,

                                                                                                                                                Self