Self-Worth
Dear Self,
What is self-worth? Why does it matter? Why does everyone keep talking about it? To better understand what self-worth is, it is sometimes easier to understand what it is not. Let’s break it down.
1. Self-worth is not self-esteem
Self-worth is who you are. Self-esteem is what you can do.
Self-worth is the belief that we are worthy, good enough, and deserving just because we are alive, whereas self-esteem varies from moment to moment, based on our performance. How many of us have said, Once I lose the weight, then I’ll wear the bikini…. Or how about, “Once I get the degree, or get the job, then I will feel better about myself. Or I’ll be happy once I make this amount of money.” Our mood and beliefs about ourselves change depending on our achievements, success, and accomplishments. You may feel like you are crushing it one day, and the next be buried under a pile of blankets wishing for Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility.
If that rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts sounds at all similar, it is probably an indicator that self-esteem is running the show. Self-worth, however, is the belief that we are worthy, good enough, and deserving just because we exist as human beings. It is not dependent on any external factor, like success, status, or weight. Self-worth is knowing we are okay, even when we fail the test, get turned down for the job, and don’t lose those 20 pounds.
2. Self-worth is not shame-based criticism
There is often this belief that criticism makes us become a better person. The narrative can sound like this, I must be hard on myself to make sure I stay in line and do not make that mistake again. I must hold myself accountable or I will become lazy, entitled, and selfish. I must remind myself of all these awful things I have done in the past to make sure I do not repeat them. While this shameful voice can be rather convincing, we cannot shame ourselves into change, nor does self-worth require this. If you’re not convinced, take a second to think back to the first time you heard negative self-talk. Has it been months? Years? Decades? Have we ever stopped to question how helpful this is? We keep making mistakes. We keep disappointing people. We keep repeating old patterns. We keep gaining weight back. And on top of the actual problem, we now have this internalized negative self-talk reminding us of how much we suck. Thanks, shame.
3. Self-worth is not perfectionism
Self-worth is moving away from what do others think, and toward, I am enough. The problem with this plan is that so many of us do NOT think we are enough, and so we are easily influenced by other people’s opinions of us. Perfectionism has an excellent memory; it reminds us of our many shortcomings, failures, and even embarrassing moments at the seventh-grade dance. It is relentless. It creates a parasite out of negative experiences from our past, fear and dread of the future, and hurtful comments from individuals throughout the journey to eat at our self-identity until we wither into nothing. It is the perfect storm for a mental breakdown…. or three or four…. If we do not learn to accept ourselves, flaws, and all.
If this is relatable, you are not alone. It requires ongoing courage and bravery to work on self-worth in a culture that thrives on scarcity and dissatisfaction. We can do this together.
xoxo,
Self