Letting Go of the Past

Dear Self,

Shame and rumination have become staples in our society. Most of us could make a list a mile long filled with past mistakes, but it rarely stops with a list. The list turns into a narrative. The narrative repeats and becomes a mantra for how we live. The mantra then dictates our behaviors, habits, and relationships. Fueled by shame, we do more shameful things. New shame stacks on top of old shame and the toxic cycle continues. Breaking this cycle is extremely overwhelming because shame is hopeless. Shame is heavy. Shame is isolating. But there is a way through it: self-compassion.  

Self-Compassion

Kristin Neff, Ph.D. is a leading pioneer in the study of self-compassion, and she offers a different approach to our relationship with past mistakes. She describes three crucial elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Everyone is worthy of compassion, not just blameless victims.

If you have been divorced three times,

If you cheated on your spouse,

If you have DUIs or have spent time in jail,

If you have hurt your loved ones repeatedly,

If you have an eating disorder, if you self-harm, if you have PTSD, OCD, or a personality disorder,

If you have made repulsive decisions,

you are worthy of compassion.

There is no struggle, action, or diagnosis too awful for compassion. We do not have to earn compassion. Everyone is born worthy of it.

Self-Compassion Break

Kristin Neff developed an exercise called Self-Compassion Break. This has become a staple for me, and it has truly changed my internal dialogue and thus, my relationship to myself. Below is the exercise from her website, followed by a link to access this resource and several others.

Think of a situation in your life that is difficult, that is causing you stress. Call the situation to mind and see if you can actually feel the stress and emotional discomfort in your body.

Now, say to yourself:

1.      This is a moment of suffering (Mindfulness)

Other options include:

·         This hurts

·         Ouch

·         This is stress

2.      Suffering is a part of life (Common Humanity)

Other options include:

·         Other people feel this way

·         I’m not alone

·         We all struggle in our lives

Now, put your hands over your heart, feel the warmth of your hands and the gentle touch of your hands on your chest. Or adopt the soothing touch you discovered felt right for you.

Say to yourself:

3.      May I be kind to myself (Self-Kindness)

You can ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” Is there a phrase that speaks to you in your particular situation, such as:

·         May I give myself the compassion that I need

·         May I learn to accept myself as I am

·         May I forgive myself

·         May I be strong

·         May I be patient

This practice can be used any time of day or night and will help you remember to evoke the three aspects of self-compassion when you need it most.

Please visit https://self-compassion.org/ for more of Kristin Neff’s work.

Let’s try this exercise with a practical example- whip out that shame list you internally carry and pick one thing you feel bad about to practice. Walk yourself through these three steps and play around with the words/phrases that align with you. When I was first practicing this, I surrounded myself with reminders- on the bathroom mirror, the kitchen pantry, and throughout my phone. Little notes that said things like:

“I am having a really hard time right now. I know I am not alone. I can give myself the compassion I need right now.”

“This is a moment of suffering. Everyone feels this way sometimes. I will try to be as compassionate as possible.”

“It is painful for me to feel this right now. This is a part of being human. I can be gentle and understanding with myself.”

WARNING: This is going to feel SO WEIRD at first. It may even feel like you are lying to yourself, being narcissistic, or “puffing yourself up.” These are all common experiences people report. You are not alone. It is just part of letting go and rewiring toxic shame cycles that have repeated for years. No amount of future agony can change the past.

Hey, this is hard stuff. If you need some support with shame, I am here for you: johnna@dearselftraumatherapy.com. I am so proud of you for facing the past and having the courage to do this work.

xoxo,

Self